Backpacks and Lunchboxes

Backpacks. Books. Bouquets of newly sharpened pencils. 

School has started again and while this is my last Fall semester of my undergraduate degree, I'm a mix of excited and exhausted and it's only the second week! I have some really great classes that make me happy to go to school and then, of course, I have some really hard classes that make me want to stay in bed and watch Gossip Girl.

Wouldn't it just be easier that way?

Which is my point, really. Life would be easier in so many ways if we didn't have to load up our backpacks and pack our lunchboxes and sharpen our pencils and turn our brains to "learning" mode. However, if that were the situation, we'd be sacks of eyeballs, teeth and bones with nothing really to offer the world. 

Recently I took a quiz on PlayBuzz, the Buzzfeed of quizzes I guess, and was informed, after clicking on some pictures, that I had a "secret obsession with letting myself down". 

Well, isn't that the oldest news of the decade. 

It made me stop and think, though. Now, I know it was just a "silly quiz" and that I shouldn't put stock in it but it was fairly accurate. Perhaps I'm not "obsessed" with letting myself down, but I do worry about so many things and school just so happens to be one of them. It's become bad enough, that my body literally can't handle stress. Because of stressful situations, some beyond my control, I've acquired, if you will, adrenal fatigue* and now any situation that is remotely stressful or hard makes me want to sleep or turn my brain off which makes learning quite difficult.

But not learning, when I absolutely should be makes me feel like a failure. I fear letting myself down so much that I'll avoid trying new things or meeting new people or taking a risk. School is all of those things. The hard part about AF is that it's not like I have a panic attack becuase I'm heading to class. In fact, I am the kind of person that likes getting to know people and so I try. It's not until the end of the day that I realize that my body was registering certain events as stressful. How obnoxious is that?

 

This is a recent thing, too. As a kid and even throughout High School and my first couple years of college I loved meeting people and being outgoing and friendly. There were some who felt like I shouldn't be so gregarious but I was. Now, at age 24, I'm all reserved and awkward and it is frustrating because there are many moments when I don't feel like me.

That being said, I am trying to enjoy the journey that is life. Just, you know, ride the wave. If class is hard, let it be hard and push myself to be better.  If it's fun, enjoy it and take that feeling with me to my next event but keep busy. Keep going. Work out, make healthy and complete meals, do my homework, early to bed early to rise, take my vitamins, drink lots of water. All that jazz.

It's hard but it's rewarding and I'd rather be an exhausted but educated sack of eyeballs, teeth and bones than a nothing-to-offer-myself-or-my-family kind.

*Adrenal fatigue. I can't remember if I've written a post about this but this news was actually a relief! Weird, I know. My two previous doctors had basically given up on me so I switched to a new one. She is AMAZING. She listens and when I told her about my last experiences, which were less than amusing, she sympathized and said, "There is nothing we can't do to help you. We'll figure this out and we won't stop until we do!" Anyway, after giving what felt like a million tubes of blood (I think it was around 12, really), and a cotton swab chewy test thing, the results were in. Adrenal fatigue was the diagnosis. You'd think that on top of all the other medical things going on I'd be frustrated but this diagnosis brought some good news. Because of all the tests my doctor had run, she found that 1) I do NOT have insulin resistance and should have never been put on a medication for that 2) My blood levels are inconsistent for someone with PCOS. Now, she suggested that I have an ovarian ultrasound to be completely sure but she said that my blood looked good so it could just be one ovary instead of both.

That's two MAJOR things that were taken off (well, just about) my list of "ailments" which also means I'm not taking as many medications as I was before. In fact, now I'm only taking one. Nexium for GERD. That and vitamins, including Rhodiola Rosea. Rhodiola rosea helps with so many things but mainly fatigue and has been SO nice to have around.